"Yes," he answers with immediacy. "Yes, I'm better than I have been in a long time." But Crowley is owed an answer, an explanation for his melancholy, as his wife. And so he freely gives it: "It's just, you know. They'll expect us to start a family. And I know we agreed it would be best not to, but I'm feeling particularly foolish tonight," he says, as he draws Crowley close to him.
"I'd never-- before, I'd never wanted a child with anyone." But Crowley, of course, is the exception. He's always the exception. And perhaps he wouldn't even want to carry one, even if he could. All that was all fine, and would make things all the easier. "Maybe it's better I not think about it, but that's all." It's nothing to do with how happy he is about the two of them, because he couldn't be moreso.
Still, he presses a kiss to Crowley's temple and dreams. Maybe, someday. And yet, why would they want a child who might grow old and die someday? He couldn't bear it, not for Heaven or Earth or Crowley, to watch his own flesh and blood age and wither even as he remained the same. Neither could he let the child die in youth. "Yes," he repeats. "Better we not think about it at all."
"Ahh." Crowley sighs, lets himself be drawn to Aziraphale and kisses him in consolation, slipping his arms around his neck. He understands well what's like to have something better than you've dreamt of but still yearn for more. For centuries he had Aziraphale's company when he sought them out, when circumstance threw them together or when his angel needed him to get him out of some trouble (usually of his own making, Crowley suspects) and he'd been content enough with those opportunities, those stolen moments, not expecting better. Certainly he wouldn't have expected this.
Couldn't they dream of more?
"It's not likely to happen though, is it?" he says tentatively, testing the thought. "Even if we wanted--I mean, you being what you are and me being me." Of course they could give themselves the right equipment for it, but surely it wouldn't be as simple as that. Surely it would be...well, a miracle for certain. One he's not sure is within their power.
"It was a silly idea anyway," he answers, not wanting to unpack all this on their wedding night. He had more than he deserved and he supposed that perhaps having a child would make it, in the eyes of their hosts, slightly more of a permanent arrangement. Though naturally that wasn't the purpose, and he knew he would love the child and knew that Crowley would as well; he trusted the both of them to be good parents to any child that was their own. But it would have been the easiest thing, he thinks, to let Crowley know the depth of his love, that he should want to be joined with him in bond but also in blood, or at least in the trials that come with raising a child together. And he wants to give this gift of life for the both of them but to Crowley, especially, who might find reflected in a child's eye a little piece of innocence he'd forgotten he still had.
And that was the real reason, wasn't it? That he wanted to show Crowley and the world exactly how much he meant to Aziraphale, that giving him all his love and devotion still felt short of what he could give. But once he thought of it, he realized that there were other ways. There must be other ways, to let him know; this had just been the most direct.
He pulls Crowley close for a kiss light as nectar. "Forget I mentioned it, my dear." He lays a hand over Crowley's heart, and wonders what he is thinking currently.
Crowley tilts his head to study Aziraphale for a moment, his eyes speculative, wondering. It's such a curious thing to bring up in the first place--not at all the sort of thing a demon ought to go in for, probably rather ridiculous in the face of it. Imagine him a mum, coddling some little beast. A perfect hellion, it'd probably be, and Aziraphale would know exactly where it got that from. All right, Crowley has perhaps a little bit of fondness for kids, but that doesn't mean he ought to try parenting one.
Except. Except it's caught hold of him a bit, stuck under his ribs. "All right, then," he answers when Aziraphale kisses him and says to forget it, puzzled and, secretly, perhaps a little disappointed, but never mind, he'll soon turn his mind to other things. Crowley covers Aziraphale's hand where it rests over his heart, gazing at him, vulnerable with his eyes unconcealed and yet making no effort to hide them. He's an open book: whatever Aziraphale wants of him, he can have. "You know I'll make you happy," Crowley tells him softly, and his lips tug into a smile. "You'll wonder how you could've done without me."
"Oh, don't worry about that dear, I already do," he responds, one of his hands on Crowley's cheek. "Wonder what would have happened if you hadn't crawled up to me on the wall, or if you weren't the one who'd been stationed to Earth." He's certain for one thing, that he wouldn't have another in his bed right now, and wouldn't have another lay claim to his heart. But he does wonder if he would wander the Earth alone with the feeling that something was missing, a tugging on his soul that draws him to wherever Crowley is.
Perhaps he feels that way because they know each other, now.
But he can't even remember what it felt like before that. Even though he knows that he would have, before this assignment, sworn up and down that Crowley was his adversary and that they were enemies and all that sort of talk, he knows in his heart that should he have been pulled away at the time, that Aziraphale would have missed him terribly. He would've hated whoever replaced Crowley on principle, and also because he was supposed to hate whoever replaced Crowley on principle.
Regardless, he takes Crowley's hand and smooths it out so he can interlock their fingers. "You already make me happier than you know."
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"I'd never-- before, I'd never wanted a child with anyone." But Crowley, of course, is the exception. He's always the exception. And perhaps he wouldn't even want to carry one, even if he could. All that was all fine, and would make things all the easier. "Maybe it's better I not think about it, but that's all." It's nothing to do with how happy he is about the two of them, because he couldn't be moreso.
Still, he presses a kiss to Crowley's temple and dreams. Maybe, someday. And yet, why would they want a child who might grow old and die someday? He couldn't bear it, not for Heaven or Earth or Crowley, to watch his own flesh and blood age and wither even as he remained the same. Neither could he let the child die in youth. "Yes," he repeats. "Better we not think about it at all."
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Couldn't they dream of more?
"It's not likely to happen though, is it?" he says tentatively, testing the thought. "Even if we wanted--I mean, you being what you are and me being me." Of course they could give themselves the right equipment for it, but surely it wouldn't be as simple as that. Surely it would be...well, a miracle for certain. One he's not sure is within their power.
no subject
And that was the real reason, wasn't it? That he wanted to show Crowley and the world exactly how much he meant to Aziraphale, that giving him all his love and devotion still felt short of what he could give. But once he thought of it, he realized that there were other ways. There must be other ways, to let him know; this had just been the most direct.
He pulls Crowley close for a kiss light as nectar. "Forget I mentioned it, my dear." He lays a hand over Crowley's heart, and wonders what he is thinking currently.
no subject
Except. Except it's caught hold of him a bit, stuck under his ribs. "All right, then," he answers when Aziraphale kisses him and says to forget it, puzzled and, secretly, perhaps a little disappointed, but never mind, he'll soon turn his mind to other things. Crowley covers Aziraphale's hand where it rests over his heart, gazing at him, vulnerable with his eyes unconcealed and yet making no effort to hide them. He's an open book: whatever Aziraphale wants of him, he can have. "You know I'll make you happy," Crowley tells him softly, and his lips tug into a smile. "You'll wonder how you could've done without me."
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Perhaps he feels that way because they know each other, now.
But he can't even remember what it felt like before that. Even though he knows that he would have, before this assignment, sworn up and down that Crowley was his adversary and that they were enemies and all that sort of talk, he knows in his heart that should he have been pulled away at the time, that Aziraphale would have missed him terribly. He would've hated whoever replaced Crowley on principle, and also because he was supposed to hate whoever replaced Crowley on principle.
Regardless, he takes Crowley's hand and smooths it out so he can interlock their fingers. "You already make me happier than you know."